


Warning: may contain traces of nuts

by Apathy



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Anal Fingering, F/M, Femdom, Fuck Or Die, Light Bondage, Pegging, Sex Pollen, Sex Toys, Trick or Treat: Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-06 22:46:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16396538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apathy/pseuds/Apathy
Summary: Hunting down a prostate-stimulating, fuck-inducing mutant may be beneath the X-Men.Luckily, nothing is beneath X-Force.





	Warning: may contain traces of nuts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [captainellie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainellie/gifts).



> With thanks to my fabulous beta.

They say some days you're the statue, and some days you're the pigeon.

And some days you're the lucky guy who has to get pegged like a double load of laundry on an unexpectedly sunny November afternoon, or die screaming in agony.

 _But Deadpool,_ I hear you say, _you're a sensitive new age freakshow who took it up the clacker before you hit the twenty-five-minute mark of the first movie. Surely this is all old hat by now? What's in it for me?_

Well, my friend, that is an excellent question. It all started a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....

*

'... And you say that because you came into contact with these... spores....'

'That came forth from the mouth of Pegasus in a sticky white cascade, yes.'

'... You now have to... ah....'

'Get penetrated by a woman until prostate-induced orgasm is achieved.'

'... More than once?'

'Repeatedly. Many, many times.'

'... Or you'll...?'

'Die, yes. Haven't we already been over this?'

'I just wanted to make sure.' Dopinder's fingers are twitching against the wheel, and really, it's a miracle he's lasted this long. The fact that I'm lovingly humping the hood of his car probably isn't helping things.

'You should probably go.'

'If you're certain?'

'Yes. _Oh,_ yes. Mmm.'

'And it is only through the touch of a woman that you can be saved? There is no aid that a... man could render in your hour of need?'

'That is correct, my friend.' Oh man, I forgot that his new cab had a hood ornament. Unfortunate.

Dopinder salutes. Are those tears in his eyes, or am I merely suffering from a little pre-orgasmic myopia?

'Godspeed, Mister Pool.'

'And you, too, uh... guy.'

Is it my fault that I'm distracted? I've never ground my unmentionables into a Chrysler's hood ornament before. There's something about a pentagon that just captures both the prosaic and the sublime. Mysterious and with a tendency to play hard-to-get, but slutty as all get-out once you've got its guard down.

'For fuck's sake. Get out of here, Dopinder.'

Nate has finally made his appearance - or his audio appearance, anyway. Is there even a word for that? I could go with "entrance", but he keeps _that_ locked up tighter than a duck's asshole.

I can't see him, but he's growling sweet nothings into my ear - _I hate you, Wade,_ _fuck off, Wade,_ _I wish neither of us had ever been born, Wade,_ _you absolute dumbfuck_ \- and there's a hand powered by pure, 100-proof testosterone gripping the back of my neck and hauling me up like a lion cub in its mama's jaws.

So yeah, I think it's safe to say that Nate has finally managed to stop groping himself long enough to get out of the cab... and, from the pained, almost inaudible _bozhe moi_ , so has Colossus.

Well, that commie bastard can suffer. The only move he's been teaming up with me for ever since we met is the blue ball special; see how _he_ likes it when the valenok's on the other foot.

Next thing I know, I'm in the elevator with Nate slapping my hand whenever it creeps too close to unmentionable places, and Colossus burying his face in his hands and muttering something I can't make out, which almost certainly means that it's indescribably filthy. The mirrors of the elevator pick out the outline of his rather hefty kolbasa in glorious hi-def surround, and maybe there are some upsides to having a run-in with an idiot like Pegasus, after all.

*

And the rest, as they say, is history. The kind of history they don't teach in schools, where John Adams drags Thomas Jefferson down the hallway in a sex-crazed stupor and makes him his bitch. Censorship is a blight upon the modern education system.

But we're here in our apartment now, where Vanessa - sweet, stable, fuck-me-so-I-don't-die Vanessa - is waiting for us. And she has The Collection ready and waiting.

I've never seen it all put out on display before. The Collection, I mean. I _may_ let out the slightest of gasps at the sight - but I _have_ been sprayed with horny mutant jizz.

... Oh, who am I kidding. It's _beautiful_.

A whole row of dildos, arranged in order of length along the kitchen bench. A dazzling array of harnesses. A bewilderingly flavoured range of lube, from licorice to maple bacon to a naughty little vanilla number. Some other things that I can't even identify, but which excite me in new and intriguing ways.

She smirks. 'Those were going to be your Christmas present, but I guess Christmas came early this year.'

'All over the hood of Dopinder's new car. Hey, did you know he has a Chrysler now?'

'You told me at least four times already. Something about slutty pentagons?'

Nate slaps me across the back of the head. 'Let's get this farce over and done with. Christ.'

Or at least, I assume he says something like that. Spend more than five minutes with Nate, and it all kind of starts to run together. I've had whole conversations with him where I haven't heard a word he's said. Sure, I've been distracted by other things at the time, like the way his biceps bulge _just so_ when he's trying to crush my skull out of sheer frustration, but that's really just an excuse on my part - I don't pay attention to what he's saying at the best of times.

Vanessa gestures us towards the bench, and I've gotta say, there are some perks to blowing up your own apartment. Like installing a sex dungeon in your living room when you rebuild. I know, I know, I fixed the timeline so that The Incident of Which We Do Not Speak never happened, but... well, sometimes a guy gets bored and blows up his apartment anyway, once he's in the headspace to properly appreciate it. What can I say - I wanted to redecorate.

Somebody's dragging me across the room - not sure who, at this point - and I think it was pretty darn prescient of us to install three sets of shackles along our kitchen bench, if I do say so myself. Awkward as hell to eat around, but great conversation starters when Professor X drops by to ask me to please stop trying to recruit his pupils to a life of murder and debauchery.

Three distinct sets of clicks, and ahh, there's nothing so satisfying as sitting back and letting someone else take charge. Now there's nothing to do but -

'Well, obviously you'll be going last, Wade.'

Weird. There's some kind of Vanessa impostor here, saying things that the _real_ Vanessa would never, _ever_ say -

'It's only fair, what with the healing factor and all. I couldn't forgive myself if one of these guys bought the farm while I was seeing to an idiot who can't die even when he wants to.' She traces her finger along the edge of the bench as she walks along behind it, eyeing her assortment of lovely torture devices with a speculative look, and in this moment, I can't even hate her.

The next moment, however, is a completely different matter. I am going to fucking _die_ , and in the stupidest, most unsatisfying way imaginable, while _Nate_ , of all people, gets to get dicked down by my fiancée not thirty centimetres away from me, moaning and thrashing in ecstasy, his girthy, heaving loins almost close enough to taste - 

'So, first up, we have Cyclops.' She stops at the first dildo, and oh God, the _memories_. Cyclops is unimpressive, unreasonably rigid, and has a lovingly rendered eye at the tip. I'll never forget my first time with Cyclops. It was magical.

' _Fuck_ no,' says Nate, and if I didn't know better, I'd say there was genuine fear somewhere beneath the seething horny-rage.

'Picky, picky,' Vanessa murmurs, moving along to -

'Logan!' I can't help but gasp.

'Wolverine 1,' Vanessa says, stroking her hand along the long, sturdy, perfectly-proportioned dimensions. The nights that Wolverine 1 and I have spent together, two become one, moving in unison, fitting together like we were made for each other, crying out his name - !

'And Wolverine 2,' she continues.

Oh, Wolverine 2. Short, squat, uncompromising - a chode in dildo form. We've had our fun, you and I. You're not sensitive like Logan, who always asks permission, wines and dines me, gently teases - but you take what you want, and I respect that. You're the best there is at what you do, and what you do best leaves me walking with a limp for at least two minutes.

'Do you have any... of _those_... that are not named after mutual acquaintances?'

I'd almost forgotten about Colossus, chained up to my right. He's been very, very quiet. I chance a look - his eyes are squeezed shut, his expression even more pained than usual. I'm not sure I've ever seen him _not_ look pained, now that I think about it, but this is some next-level shit he's got going on.

'Well, there's the Hugh. They were having a two-for-one sale when we were buying Logan, so I thought, what the hey - '

'Anything else?' His accent is so thick at this point that I can barely understand him. Or maybe he's just losing consciousness. The whole fuck-or-die thing is probably starting to get to him.

'Well, there's Hal, Bea, Hank - he doesn't talk to you anyway, so technically it's like you don't know him - Thor, Elon - '

'No names,' Nate growls, all low and gravelly-like. 'Just give me that one there, and do _not_ tell me what it is you perverts call it.'

I struggle to look at where he's indicating with his head. 'Ooh, Bob Ross. Good choice. Lots of happy little deaths with that one.'

You know how people say they felt someone walk over their grave? Well, I'm pretty sure Nate just stomped on my grave really fucking enthusiastically... after having dismembered me and scattered my remains to the four corners of the earth, burying each oozing body part in a giant pile of dog shit. But I'm not the one who has dog shit all over his big stupid boots, so hey, score one for me. 

'I changed my mind,' Nate snaps, and the authority in his voice makes me all shivery. 'Bob Ross goes in that idiot's mouth.'

Vanessa smiles approvingly. 'Ooh, I like it. Didn't know you had it in you.'

'Oh, Nate has it in him, he - wait, what?'

And that's the story of how I ended up chained to my kitchen bench with Bob Ross jammed down my throat. I wouldn't even mind, except that it just reminds me of how badly the rest of my body wants him. My healing factor may be keeping the worst of the mutant jizz's effects at bay, but my ass is still begging for it like Leo DiCaprio begging the bear to be gentle for his first time.

My eyes follow Vanessa helplessly as she picks up the - oh.

The Colossus.

That seems like an awful lot to ask a beginner to take on, but I can vouch for its crowd-pleasing abilities. Hard, dependable, and fucking _massive_. It seems a bit cruel to fuck the guy with a dildo named after himself... well, "named after" is a bit of an understatement. "Painstakingly modelled on the guy's own junk, based on surreptitious glances and furtive gropings during completely innocent hugs" may be a bit closer to the truth.

But he's a big boy - a big, _big_ boy - he can take it -

Vanessa swings a left - my left, not hers, gotta get that straight - and lines herself up behind... Nate?

I try to astrally project a general sense of _what the fuck?_ at her, but she just smiles and winks knowingly at me as she steps into the harness and pulls it tight. I wink back, a little confused.

'Enough with the winking,' Nate mutters into his hands as Vanessa works his pants down his thighs. 'Just get this sick joke over with, so I don't have to die chained to your fucking kitchen bench with a filthy dildo up my ass.'

'Just relax, big boy,' Vanessa murmurs as she slides into him - was there lube? I hope there was lube - and Nate grunts, and oh God. I can't quite manoeuvre myself into the right position to rub myself off - the bench is just that bit too high - but I'll be damned if I'm not going to give it the old college try.

Nate is _not_ a quiet guy, although he's obviously trying to be, and Vanessa is murmuring words of encouragement - _good boy, that's right, you can do it, just like that_ \- that make my ass clench in sympathetic ecstasy. Having Bob Ross in my mouth is nice and all, but I don't have Bob Ross in my ass, and right now, that seems like the greatest crime imaginable.

A whimper from my right reminds me that Colossus exists - he's surprisingly easy to forget sometimes, for a guy who takes up half the room - and I take a break from my attempts to get my manacled hands within touching distance of my own crotch to check in on him.

He's... not doing great. And not just because Nate is bellowing like a cranky moose. Pegasus' dastardly excretions must be taking their toll, because Colossus looks like he's about to collapse right on the kitchen floor.

I may not be able to reach my nether zone, but I _can_ reach my mouth. It's been great, Bob, but there are times when a guy's gotta talk.

I pull Bob out of my throat - there's more of him than you'd expect - and cough to get Vanessa's attention. 'Uh, honey? I think there's someone over here who could use a little help. Not to alarm you or anything, but I think he might be, uh, dying.'

'Shit. Okay.' She unclips the harness, but leaves the dildo in Cable's ass. 'I'll be back in just a minute, big boy. You can keep that there for me, can't you?' That last question is punctuated with a sharp slap on the metal half of his ass, quickly followed by Vanessa mouthing a range of truly filthy expletives as she tries to shake some feeling back into her fingers. I could've told her that slapping Cable's ass never ends well, although at least he seems less inclined to actually stick a knife in her for it than he is to do the same to me when I'm the one offering him a friendly, manly ass-slap. I guess this is the kind of bigoted behaviour I've become used to from Nate, though. I kind of hate that I've allowed myself to normalise this kind of thing when he does it - we should really have words.

'Hey, Colossus. You awake?' Vanessa's rubbing soothing circles into his back as he moans weakly, and I bet the guy's totally faking it. Maybe I should pretend to pass out, see if she cares if I live or die. 

'Well, let's see what we can do to help you out,' she whispers, and she reaches over the bench for - ah, the Cable. Not as impressive as the Colossus. Not all that impressive at all, really. I have definitely, positively, never, _ever_ begged for her to jam Cable inside me and make me scream.

And great, now my fiancée's assfucking Colossus. I mean, not that I'm not enjoying the show, but if someone could fuck _me_ before I die, that would be absolutely dandy. I'd take pretty much anyone, at this point. Hell, Shatterstar could waltz in here with his stupid smug face and over-gelled hair, and I'd say yes sir, please sir, tea bags full, sir.

Too bad that he and the rest of X-Force are off having their asses saved by Domino. Literally. Pegasus doesn't discriminate, even when he really, really should. Nobody should have to fuck Shatterstar to keep him alive - hell, I ordered Domino _not_ to fuck him, 'cause I don't know _what_ we were thinking when we brought that guy on board - but she said that lady luck would find a way. I'd almost come around to the idea that _maybe_ she was a little luckier than the average schmoe, but this whole escapade has convinced me that she's full of it. If she's so lucky, then why isn't she here fucking _my_ sweet ass into happy oblivion?

'Christ,' Nate mutters, and... oh. Now _he's_ the one dying. If I had a hand free, I'd happily help him out, but I'm still stuck here, and whose great idea was it to tie us all up again? Why had that been necessary? Fuck.

'Uh... sweetheart? No, not you, Colossus. Vanessa? I think Cable's in need of some assistance.'

'Fuck. Okay.' She detaches herself once more, and hurries back over to Nate. 'You can hold on for a minute, can't you, Colossus?'

'Of course,' he says, though his heart doesn't sound particularly in it. Nate, on the other hand, very much _does_ sound like his heart is in it. Well. _Something's_ in it.

If I shift a little, I might be able to hump the bench. Maybe if I dislocate my shoulder?

Beside me, Colossus whimpers. Wow, it would really suck if he died here due to ass-related complications. I _meant_ to submit my insurance forms for X-Force - I was going to do it on the way home from this mission, seriously - but, well, as you can see, I got distracted. And I don't know whether the X-Men cover their members for ass-related complications. It would explain a lot about Cyclops if they didn't.

But yeah, Colossus is probably about to die from a lack of assfucking, and here's me stuck right next to him with a boner that just won't quit and no way to get it where it wants to go. Typical.

I sigh. 'This would be so much easier if we'd finished assembling the fucking machine.'

Vanessa glances over at me from her renewed ploughing of Cable's ass. 'We wouldn't've had to assemble it if you hadn't insisted on getting it from IKEA.'

But it was such a bargain! Such a bonding experience! 'Are you denigrating the natural charms of the Visingsö?'

She shrugs, though her rhythm doesn't falter. 'You tell me. You're the one who literally got torn a new one when the Visingsö decided to go on a rampage.'

Yeah, that'd been my own fault. I'm man enough to admit it. 'I probably shouldn't've replaced the AA batteries with a diesel generator, eh? Well, live and learn.'

'It was touch and go on the "live" part for a while. I'm still not convinced about the "learn" part, either.'

Nate bangs his head against the bench. 'Jesus fucking Christ.'

I tear my eyes away from the spectacle at the rear, and focus on the much less interesting show at the front. Although he's at least pulling some entertaining faces. 'About to come, Nate? Just let it go, let it all out. Release all that tension, let it flow.'

'Nah. I'm done.'

I eye him cautiously. 'Are you sure? You still look tense.'

'Of course I'm fucking tense. I don't need to hear any of this.'

All of this, and I didn't even get to see Nate's o-face? What a bitter disappointment today has been. Guy must come like a ninja. But no, there's the filthy, filthy evidence of his man-pleasure, spattered all over our new carpet. Luckily we went with off-white for this very reason. Never underestimate the value of forethought.

Something occurs to me. 'Didn't they say that you have to come a bunch of times to get Pegasus' junk out of your system? I don't think doing it once is enough. You should do it again. Just to make sure.'

His eyes narrow. 'I'll take that risk.'

Before I can respond, I hear a small, pathetic sound from my right. A quick glance reveals Colossus sagging once more, his thick, bulging quads quivering as they struggle to keep him upright. Shit, he never came, did he?

'Uh, honey? You might want to... maintain the right?'

'Okay, okay.' She hurries back over to Colossus. 'I'd actually be sad if he died. Unlike with the rest of you.'

'Hey!'

'Piotr is such a nice young man,' she says, and... well, I can't entirely disagree with that. Though I would've gone with "boring", personally. Or "won't put out on the first grope". Potayto, potahto.

She thrusts a little harder, and he gasps. 'And he's real great when he has a girl to squeeze.'

'Boney M. Classic, if a little unimaginative.'

'You're doing great, Piotr,' she murmurs, and I can now confirm that a metal guy _can_ come regular jizz. Well, it looks like regular jizz, anyway. I'd have to check to be sure.

Everyone seems to relax for a moment, and this is great, this is nice, except....

'Uh... guys? Is it my turn? I know I have a healing factor and all, but really, this is getting awfully close to discrimination. Has Professor X taught you nothing? Just because I have a healing factor, doesn't mean I don't get to get dicked!'

I could still die! This is the kind of horny that feels like it could be terminal.

'Sorry, baby.' Vanessa's back behind the bench, and oh, is she going for the Juggernaut? I've never dared before, but at this point, I think drastic measures are called for.

But then she dangles something else in front of my face.

The Vanessa.

The one that popped my cherry. My first.

'Oh, yes.'

I get one glimpse of a wicked smile before she moves around behind me, and then my ass is suddenly exposed to a lovely cool breeze.

'Happy Hyper-Localised Assfucking Day,' she whispers as she drives herself home, and if I shriek, it's only because that lube is _cold_ , dammit. And if I keep shrieking, it's because it still hasn't warmed up yet. It sure as hell has nothing to do with how it feels _really fucking good_.

'Funny,' I say - definitely say, not moan - 'I thought it was Hyper-Localised Assfucking _Week_. I had the whole thing blocked out in my Outlook. I sent you an invite.'

'My bad,' she says. 'Luckily, my schedule is free. And I'm highly adaptable.'

She changes up her angle and starts to thrust deeper; just as I open my mouth to make some sort of extremely masculine noise, I hear another, altogether different - definitely more annoying - masculine noise.

'Can we go now?'

It's Nate. Nate is still here. Nate and Colossus are still here, watching me get reamed. And I know I watched _them_ get reamed, but this is different. This is my house! My fiancée! My outsized dildo collection! My girlish squeals!

Oh shit, this is so embarrassing. I can't do this. Not like this. Not with them hearing my every sexy thought.

Hold on guys, just one sec. Wait, can I just - there we go -

Wade gasped and trembled, his delicate man-flower spasming with barely restrained passion as the ravenette plundered his uncharted depths. His moist passage shivered lustfully, clenching around the intrusion that penetrated to the very core of his being, his deepest and darkest secret place. He writhed, he moaned, he threw his head back in glorious ecstasy. He was taken to the brink, and then he crashed over the very edge of bliss itself, over, over -

 _Charles,_ he breathed -

' _No,_ ' a voice snaps, and really, it could come from anyone in the room, himself included.

_Fine, fine, whatever._

Your fingers clench tighter around the chains that bind you. You could probably snap them in half if you wanted to - what your metal arm can't handle, your TK can - but you don't want to. Not because you're worried about what'll happen if the mutant jizz runs its course, but because you like it. _This._

You like the illusion of powerlessness. You like to pretend that this isn't your choice, that you're only here as some sort of medical treatment for a condition that was inflicted upon you, and nothing more. You pretend to pull at your bonds for the sake of verisimilitude - see, you're struggling against this, you don't want it, blind fury is written in every line of your face - but, _oh_. You _do_ want it. You want it all. You want to take it from everyone here like the little bitch that you are -

'Second person,' whispers Colossus, and it sounds close to a sob. 'Why would you do that, Wade? Do you not consider us your friends? Have we not suffered enough?'

Now you've upset Colossus - and that is an unforgiveable offence, albeit one that is completely in character for you. Your lack of empathy is astounding - although not unexpected - and you find that you have to admit to yourself that you would thoroughly and fully deserve it if the others just left you here to die of acute anal neglect -

'Jesus, this asshole. Just put him out of our misery already.'

'Don't worry, boys,' Vanessa murmurs. 'I'll take over from here.'

*

Wade shivers beneath me as I run a fingernail up the inside of his thigh. He's already come once - easy to miss, amongst all that garbage - but it's clearly not enough. Lucky for him, I can keep this up all night.

I lean down over him as he trembles, and whisper in his ear. 'Who do you want, baby?'

'Just you,' he breathes.

'I think I can manage that,' I reply, and slip a couple of fingers inside him, already well and truly lubed up from earlier. He sighs happily.

I spare a moment to glance around. Cable to the left of me, Colossus to the right - and my idiot fiancé in the middle. This is going to be a memorable night.

But if I do happen to forget any of it... well, the restraints are hooked up to the camcorder for a reason. The moment they snap shut, it turns on. The wonders of modern technology.

I bend back down over him again, leaning my weight into him even though he's not going anywhere. 'What're you thinking about, honey?'

'We're in the car,' he murmurs.

Oh. _This_ again. I've never known anyone who can get fixated on dumb shit like Wade. It's all part of his charm.

'Dopinder's new car?'

'Yeah.' His voice turns dreamy, although whether that's due to his autoerotic daydreams or the extra finger, who the fuck knows. 'The Chrysler.'

Nothing to do but indulge him when he gets like this. 'And where are we going?'

'The Pentagon.'

I should've known. 'And what does Dopinder have to say about this?'

'He's asking very nicely to be let out. The word "please" is in heavy rotation.'

'And are we letting him?'

He yelps a little as I rub my fingers in a tight circle. 'Ah - no.'

Nate cuts in before I can reply. 'Seriously, can I go? I'm fine. Really. I just... really don't want to be here for this. Or anything else. Ever.'

'Just a sec.' I speed up, relishing the sounds that Wade makes. 'The Pentagon's so big, Wade. So big and strong. All that... concrete.' Shit. Uh.... 'Five hundred and forty degrees of pure rock-hard Americana.'

Well, Wade was right - Nate _can_ break out of those restraints when he wants to. Colossus, too. Wade is too far gone to notice, shuddering around my fingers as he comes... which is a shame, because he doesn't catch the blink-and-you'll-miss-it glimpse of Colossus furiously jamming himself back into his pants. The camcorder caught it, though. The camcorder catches everything.

Wade shivers a little as I lazily slide my fingers back and forth. I've managed to shut him up for a good twenty seconds, but all good things must come to an end. His voice, when he speaks, is barely audible.

'Passengers, please exit via the rear staircase.'

'Wade, Wade, Wade.' I twist my fingers, feeling him jerk beneath me. 'The captain hasn't turned off the seatbelt sign. I'm forbidden by law to attempt to disembark.'

'Fuck.' It's really fun to watch him squirm. 'And what law would that be?'

'Plane law.' I add a fourth finger, and he swears mightily. 'You wouldn't want me to break plane law, would you?'

'Most feared and respected of all the laws.' He shakes his head sharply, his breathing ragged. 'No, honey, you should obey plane law at all times. All four passengers need to stay on board until further instruction.'

'Hmm. And the captain?' I trace my thumb lightly over his skin.

There's a pause, but it's brief. 'Well, obviously he has to be here.'

He glances up, and I follow his gaze - and somehow, Cable and Colossus still haven't left. Colossus is staring out the window with a determination that is truly admirable, while Nate, interestingly enough, is eyeing Wade speculatively.

Wade turns his head and twists to look up at me. 'What about the strong and silent co-pilot, and the grumpy but seductive stewardess with a secret heart of gold and a not-so-secret grenade launcher?'

I shrug. 'Run the metaphor into the ground however you want, honey. They're obviously stuck here as well until we're all given the all-clear.'

'And we're absolutely, one hundred per cent sure that overcoming the effects of Pegasus' mutant power is a strictly guys-taking-it-up-the-chutney-from-chicks kind of deal?' His eyes go hazy. 'Hey, what if you've gotten cross-contaminated by touching us? Do you need to feel the sweet and tender touch of a woman? We could order a pizza from Joe's, that delivery girl is always giving you the eye - ' 

' _I_ think,' I murmur, 'that we should cover every possible base. Domino should be done decontaminating the rest of X-Force by now - I'll give her a call and ask her if she wants to come round.'

'But without the rest of X-Force.'

'What about Peter?'

He blinks confusedly. 'Peter goes without saying. Of course she should bring Peter. It's not a regrettable orgy without Peter.'

I pull my cell out of my pocket with my free hand. 'Juggling a phone conversation and your ass at the same time is about as much as I can handle. I'm handing the reins back over to you. Stick to first person present this time, yeah?'

'You got it.'

*

And so, there you have it. We did a good thing today. Sure, we didn't manage to land a single hit on Pegasus, and he's probably out there right now causing all kinds of dubiously consensual penetration and death by heart failure. And sure, my fiancée's currently casually ordering a pizza while four fingers deep in my ass, while a giant scary future man with a giant scary future dick hanging out his pants glowers down at me with a particularly horny kind of vengeance in his eyes.

But we're all alive, and we're all going to fuck and get fucked in every way imaginable. Most of it will even be legal.

And I think that's beautiful.


End file.
